The Next Conversation: How to Talk with Control, Confidence, and Connection
- Tim Peden
- Oct 26
- 5 min read
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
James 1:19
Conversations can be challenging, and I often leave them unsure whether I have achieved what I set out to do. Reading "The Next Conversation - Argue Less, Talk More" by Jefferson Fisher opened my eyes to a new way of communicating. The goal of this blog is to:
Motivate you to view conversations from a new perspective,
As Covey suggested in his book "7 Habits of Highly Successful People," to seek understanding before being understood, and
Enhance your relationships and connections with others.
Encourage you to read his book.
Why this book helped me
I picked up The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher because I’m tired of conversations that leave everyone tense and unchanged. Fisher’s big promise is simple and gutsy: you can’t rewrite the last conversation, but you can reshape the next one. His framework is disarmingly practical:
Say it with control.
Say it with confidence.
Say it to connect.
Below is what stayed with me and how I’m folding it into everyday life at home, teaching, and church. It is something I am endeavouring to do everywhere I go. My conversations are now an adventure, not something to be concerned or fearful about.
Part 1: The essentials
1) Never “win” an argument
The first gut-check: winning is overrated. You can “win” and still be wrong. You can “win” and still lose the relationship. Arguments are often windows into someone’s deeper story—fear, hope, hurt. When I stop fighting the words and start listening for the why underneath them, I move from sparring to understanding. That’s where change starts.
Two layers are always present:
Said: “You never listen to me.”
Felt: “I want to feel understood.”
If I chase the “said” and ignore the “felt,” I miss the person.
2) Aim your next conversation
Hard talks crash when I walk in with fantasies or fuzzy hopes. Fisher pushes me to set small, learnable goals:
I want to hear their perspective without getting defensive.
I want to listen without interrupting.
Five setup questions that help:
If I had to choose one thing they understand, what is it?
What small step shows I heard them?
What assumptions am I making?
How can I show gratitude for this chance to talk?
Is there any part of this I’m trying to “win”?
3) Lead with values
Goals aim the talk; values steer it. Decide in advance the kind of person you intend to be in the room:
Where there’s room for kindness, I’ll use it.
Tell them who I am without saying my name.
If I can’t be a bridge, I’ll be a lighthouse.
When my values are set, many decisions are made before the first word.
4) Connection beats transmission
We live in “send mode”—texts, emails, posts. That’s transmission. Connection requires two ingredients: understanding and acknowledgment. I can acknowledge without agreeing. I can stay honest about my hurt and still stay kind. Sometimes the most connecting move is to not engage right now—and that’s okay.
Where do we fall over?
Awareness: I don’t notice my own state.
Understanding: I insist they see it my way.
Self-assurance: I hedge, apologise to the air, or go soft when I need to be clear.
Part 2: The application
Rule 1 — Say it with control
Ignition and cooling. Every conflict has a heat curve. Triggers (tone, words, a look) set me off; then physiology takes over (fight/flight vs rest/digest). The skill is noticing heat and choosing cooling moves.
Three control tools at the start of any hard talk:
Breath. Inhale 2+1 through the nose, exhale 6. Downshifts the body so the mouth doesn’t drive.
Body scan. Micro-pause, name tension, realign with your goal/value.
Small self-talk. A short, active cue: “Be clear.” “Stay kind.” “Go slow.”
Control the pace—own the pause. Silence is not weakness; it’s wisdom. Short pauses add weight. Long pauses (5–10 seconds) let careless words echo back to the speaker and give me time to choose mine.
Difficult people toolkit.
Insults/belittling/rudeness: long pause → calmly repeat their words → keep breathing out. Often, they correct themselves; if not, your composure holds the high ground.
Condescending lines (“Let me put this simply…”): ask them to repeat it, then ask an outcome question: “Did you want that to hurt or to help?”
Bad apologies: name the miss kindly—“I’m not looking for reasons; I’m looking for ownership.”
Interruptions: let the first one go, then use their name, then assert an “I” boundary—“I want to finish this thought; then I’m all ears.”
Disagreeing better: try vantage-point language—“From where I’m sitting, I see it differently,” or “I take another approach.”
Rule 2 — Say it with confidence
Confidence is a feeling; assertiveness is that confidence in motion. Ten habits help:
Every word matters. Say what you will do, then do it.
Prove it to yourself. Small promises kept build real confidence.
Express needs unapologetically. “I need a moment.” “I need your help.”
Advocate clearly. “I won’t accept that.” “I want fair expectations.”
Stop over-apologising. Swap “Sorry I’m late” for “Thank you for your patience.”
Speak when it matters. Listening is not losing.
Say less. Fewer words, more weight.
Drop fillers and hedges. Cut like, just, actually, basically.
Lean on experience when unsure. “I haven’t seen this before; in past cases I’ve…”
Use confident language. “I’m confident we can solve this.”
Tone, eye contact, and cadence do heavy lifting here: finish sentences with a settled (not rising) inflection; make eye contact at the end of key points; slow the pace to match your intent.
Rule 3 — Say it to connect
Frames keep talks purposeful: one frame, one issue.
Set a direction: “I need to talk about your comment in yesterday’s meeting.”
Call your shot (the end): “My goal is to understand your intent and share how it landed.”
Get consent: “Is that doable?” “Can we agree to that?”
If it derails: brief repair—“I shouldn’t have raised my voice. That wasn’t helpful. As I was saying…”
Make hard talks safer (for both sides):
Schedule real, undistracted time.
Drop the fake warm-ups; be kind and direct: “This won’t be easy to hear.”
Lead with your takeaway up front.
When they bring something hard to you: “I’m glad you told me.” Ask, “How are you feeling about that?” If you want to share, ask permission first.
Defensiveness: spot it and stop it. Walls block being understood and understanding others. Cure the reflex with grace: assume positive intent until proven otherwise.
Three steps when you feel your shield going up:
Catch yourself (breath + pause).
Let their words fall (don’t throw them back).
Get curious (What’s driving this? What am I missing?).
To prevent their defensiveness: start with I, avoid why-questions when possible, and acknowledge first (what you agree with, learned, or found helpful).
Summary
The Next Conversation helped me trade point-scoring for person-seeing. It taught me to slow the heat, speak with fewer but stronger words, and frame talks so they actually go somewhere. The win isn’t “winning”—it’s understanding + acknowledgment. Control steadies the moment, confidence carries the message, and connection makes it matter.
10 ways to change your conversations this week
Open with a goal, not a script. Write one sentence you hope to achieve.
Name a value you’ll embody. “Kindness,” “clarity,” or “courage”—pick one.
Use the 2–1–6 breath before you answer anything heated.
Pause on purpose. Short pause for emphasis; long pause for clarity.
Start with “I,” not “You.” “I felt… / I need…” lowers shields.
Swap sorry habits for thanks. “Thanks for waiting.” “Thanks for raising that.”
Cut the fillers. Say it clean; say it once.
Frame the talk. One issue. Set direction, call the shot, get consent.
Disagree by vantage point. “From where I’m sitting, I see it differently.”
Acknowledge first. Tell them what you heard, learned, or appreciate—then add your view.
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